The Romantic Cynic
Can someone be both a cynic and a romantic? This oxymoron is perplexing to me but one honest friend confirmed to me that I have this way of complaining why there aren’t enough good and decent guys out there, but then when there is one guy that want to ask me out—I get all cryptic and weird, and, well, every bit cynical.
I’m actually aware of this little kink in my persona, but I attributed this negativity as more of a realism, than cynicism. When a really decent looking, and very funny interesting guy shows some interest, throws a couple of well meaning compliments, I go out on a limb and go into self-depreciation mode. He says I have a wonderful smile, I say “I hope it’s enough to distract you from my bulbous nose”. Yep, that’s me. No, this is not me fishing. This really is just me, sometimes.
Or how I sometimes make a few prejudicial reactions to harmless actions. When a guy flaunts his possessions, I call him a braggart (I know it’s very medieval that I still use the term) and put him in this “Not For Me” box. I know I have no right to complain, other women have worse scenarios, but I have this nagging feeling that this inability of mine to really let myself open up to someone is going to get me a free ride to spinsterhood. People have set me up with interesting fellows, getting me to finally get some love into the mix that is my life but once I was almost into the whole thing, I stepped back and just saw that I’m not ready.
AND HERE I GO AGAIN. When will I ever be ready?
No one really is ready with anything in life. If one day I’ll look into a mirror and see a girl without a care, spontaneous and one who is a.) not uptight and b.) constantly making calculated decisions, then I will truly think I’ve accomplished something good for myself. I’ve been trying to get this version of me off my back. Hopefully I’ll get my nerve to be more uninhibited, more outside-the-box. And not have any prejudices and superficial things mess up what might actually be an a.) interesting person worth knowing b.) a fun memory of a wild night or c.) a mistake learned that I’ll smile, reminiscing.